Laura Clarke/Diary

Nov 20,2015
Dear Diary,

I woke up today with a headache and predicted the flu, so I called my secretary and asked if I had any urgent appointments. Luckily I hadn't so I told her to postpone all of them until the afternoon. I thought that a couple more hours of sleep and a hot bath would do me good before work. The sound of the front door slamming woke me up from my extra sleep. I wasn't expecting anyone and Jordan wasn't supposed to be home until lunch. While going down the stairs I heard that harsh voice I recognize upon a thousand others. My suspicions were all right. I froze in shock but took a few moments and decided that it would be better if I go back upstairs and talk to Jordan when my father leaves. As soon as he left I showed up before he got the chance to leave the house. He was as surprised as I was because he was not expecting me here. I couldn't hold back my tears that were enough for Jordan to understand how disappointed I was. He promised to explain to me tomorrow everything that I missed since they first met, because now I was running late. You can't possibly know how inpatient I am to know what is going through my son's mind! I hope I can trust him again.

Dec 24,2015
Dear diary,

I haven't felt regret this last decade, and I don't quite miss it. On Christmas eve ! Why ? Why on earth did it have to happen tonight? Why did it even had to happen at all? Jordan was late as usual and Monica and I had already set the table ready for our traditional Christmas dinner. Until he finally got home, we had "the fight" we have been having it daily since I have found out about him and Ibrahim. I don't even know if I can call it "daily" since lately he's been barely showing up. But tonight was different. Tonight was the night I felt regret. Our fight this time led for me making him choose between me and his grandfather, and he answered simply by going out and slamming the door behind him. and besides the door, I felt something slamming into my stomach.

Jan 10,2015
Dear diary,

This last event has flipped my life upside down. I keep cancelling my appointments with patients, I never get out of the house, only for work of course, and I have been waiting for a call from Jordan desperately, and if I let my day dream go wild, I'd have a hope for him coming back home. But nothing. Just nothing. When I try to call him he wouldn't answer my calls, and not even consider turning any of the hundreds i left when i was turned to voice-mail. My eyes knew no rest since "the night" and I have started thinking seriously of talking to my father.

Feb 20,2015
Dear diary,

Even though I am not writing to you on a daily basis, trust me, i tend to deliver every single important detail of my now-so-boring-and-desperate-days. Can you believe it that my son, the one i have spent the latest nights of my life raising, is abandoning me for a screwed drug dealer that happens to be his grandfather. He even changed his phone number because I seem to have bothered him with my concern.

March 28,2015
Dear diary,

It has been few months that i haven't filled your blank pages, and i honestly feel sort of ashamed. It's just that the my last days haven't been so well, and I wasn't feeling up to for emotional release yet. The thing is, about mid march, I finally had the courage to talk to my father again. I can't remember what year was the last time we spoke or met, but sometime around 1994, perhaps ? Anyway, he gave me a rendez-vous tomorrow in the afternoon. I never thought a day would come and I would say this, but, I'm impatient.

March 29,2015
Dear diary,

Today, I saw again for the first time in so many years my father, that I don't really admit he is. The same feelings rushed in me when I saw him crossing the door of the bar we were supposed to meet. The same feelings of fear and confidence at the same time I used to get when we were still living under the same roof. He never approved my turn to religion nor the fact that I kept the baby 23 years ago, since it was a mistake. When we started talking, he tried asking me about myself and my sister, but I avoided answering any of his questions since he doesn't really care, and I got straight to the point. I let him know of every single thought running through my mind, and didn't keep anything inside of me. Our meeting didn't last long, but most importantly, he refused backing off and leaving Jordan alone. A part of me somehow knew I was incapable of winning over him because of the power he had. But no, I am not giving up on the best thing that ever happened to me. Not that easily.

March 30,2015
Dear diary,

I woke up in the morning with something else as well. Hope. Hope was starting to build up inside of me just as worry. I knew that what I and my son were going through was threatening our relationship and knew it was time for the tough Laura Clarke to show up. I kept motivating myself with the fact that I was his mom and he would never turn his back on me for anything's sake. Call it a mother's instinct. I had a quick shower and headed to my clinic by 8h00 o'clock. I cached up with my patients that I have postponed their appointments. At noon, when I got out of the office for lunch break, I went to this cozy diner by the end of the street. By the time I made my order I saw a very familiar silhouette step into the place. Then I recognized Jordan's face. Automatically I stood up, and once he was close enough from me, I didn't hesitate to hug him, but he very slightly hugged me back. After questioning myself how could he possibly know where I am, curiosity pushed me to actually ask him, and from what I can understand from the few words he gave me back, I can say Ibrahim hired someone to watch me. Of course, he couldn't do it himself. We talked for a long while, mostly argued harshly about "the topic". As a psychologist, I found it harder to communicate with him than other people because he wouldn't open up to me nor talk softly. But at the end of the day, as I am writing to you, I know I can do it.

March 31,2015
Dear diary,

Today was a fine day. Better than my latest days anyway. I can feel that my life is back on track, well, just a bit. But nothing's perfect but God right? I went in the afternoon to church and prayed for Jordan. I trusted Jesus more than myself and I knew that if I failed on what have became my life goal, Jesus would never leave my son on his own. Even though he is not so religious, God is always by his side protecting him.

April 1st, 2015
Dear diary,

My best friend [Elena Bond] surprised me in the clinic today. She showed up at my break with my favorite donuts and coffee. Her husband owns this Wilson coffee shop, and they serve the best snacks and hot drinks. Elena suffers cancer and they can't really afford the treatment. I have been paying her treatments anonymously from the beginning, and I don't think I can pay her back what she did to me 23 years ago. When all my family turned its back on me, she was the only one to stand by my side and helped me through this tough period.

April 2nd, 2015
Dear diary,

Today I decided to call Jordan and try to meat him. For the first time since December, he answered my phone call. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that he was actually talking to me and I wasn't sent to voice-mail. We agreed to meet at my house and have a talk. Words can't describe my happiness at that moment. And that happiness only grew bigger when I saw him by the door, his luggage beside him.

April 8th, 2015
Dear diary,

It wasn't very crowded at the clinic today, and I got a call from Elena. She said she was back from the doctor and wanted to catch up with me. Every time she talks to me about her disease, I feel guilt rushing through my body, about keeping my financial aid a secret from her. I thought it was time to let her know. We met at her place and talked for hours. She got so pissed at me at first because 1. I didn't tell her and 2. It wasn't a lunch I was paying for. But the she realized that without my help she might have been dead by now. It's not that I'm bragging or anything, just justifying myself. It was a hard   moment, but considering our friendship, we got over and understood each other.

April 10th, 2015
Dear Diary.

So it has been 8 days since Jordan came back home. But still, he was avoiding me a little and doesn't come back home until very late. I'm kinda used to it but not "that" much.

April 12th, 2015
Dear diary,

It was a beautiful Sunday, I went to the park for a walk to clear up my mind a bit, and took a Sigmund Freud book with me. when I got back home, Jordan was there, pissed off, sitting on the couch in the living room his head down. I have never seen him this way before. When he heard the front door shut he raised his head and said: "Mom". But the way he said it. It was so...desperate but yet, full of love. He stood and hugged me, and I couldn't help but hug him back tightly. We haven't had such a moment since like, a decade. We sat, we talked, and kept nothing inside of us. He told me that his grandfather wanted him to start taking drugs, otherwise he wants him to quite the mafia. He then told me that he only joined him for business, and that this was not the kind of business anyone gets. He said he figured out that his grandfather was lying all the time, because if he wanted Jordan to be on drugs, he definitely knows that he won't be alive by the time he should take over the mafia.

April 13th,2015
Yesterday was such a great day! I knew I was going to get my son back, the one I raised with full love. I couldn't help myself but go to church to thank the only one responsible for the peace with my son. I knew it I couldn't do it alone, without him by my side and Jordan's. Thank you God, thank you.